Monday, January 5, 2009

Home... at last!!

wow... that's all i can say!

is it weird that sitting at my desk at work catching up on the hundreds of personal emails and what seems like thousands of work emails that i have selfishly neglected for months, feels like the most fun i have had in just as long?!?! ok, not really, but it feels great to be back in the living, contributing to society (side giggle, since most would argue that phd candidates do little of the sort), fighting traffic, consoling the bleeding cracks on my dried-out hands, and developing blisters on my finger tips as i relentlessly reply to all un-answered emails! europe was amazing... no wait, i think the blog-worthy-enthusiastic A-MA-ZING is more appropriate... but it is nice to be home.

officially, i have been back in the land-o-prosper for 13 days, have spent approximately 16 hours in the car, ate 1 pant size worth of chocolate and turkey, skied around 30 runs in fernie, drank at least 3 bottles of champagne (myself), smiled at cam about a zillion times, and laughed at english jokes until my sides hurt... all the while developing tremendous shoulder and bicep definition in my left arm from carrying around a HUGE ROCK ON MY LEFT HAND!! yup, that's right, ian and i are officially getting married!!

some say distance makes the heart grow fonder. well, the end result for ian and i would suggest the same thing, but suffice it to say, that the road of separation was wrought with miscommunication, missed calls, lonely birthdays, nagging voices, long distance arguments (without the make-up sex), and plenty of what-ifs. considering our perseverance through 7 weeks of not-so-easy separation, i think distance makes the heart grow more secure. being home with ian (my fiance... sorry, just trying that on for size cause it isn't a typical word in my vocabulary) has felt right. easy. sigh-of-relief. happy. silly. sexy. fun. intense. lighthearted. bliss. those are not just words of an excited bride-to-be, but a sign of security of a wife-in-the-making. i feel secure in ian's love for me, his pursuit of our happiness, his abiding commitment to our goals and dreams. i feel secure in my match in ian, my intense vision of our companionship, my commitment to elevating our relationship by being the best woman i can be. yes, distance makes the heart more secure.

sharing our engagement with family and friends over the holidays has been an exciting, albeit intimidating, experience. intimidating? well, yes. as it turns out, i am not comfortable in this role of 'bride'. the limelight doesn't really suit me. this surprises me. full stop. no seriously, at times i have loved attention. but in reflection, i realize most of these times have been related to someone elses successes/milestones. confused? stick with me. i loved being a bridesmaid at my sister's wedding. i loved that attention. why? i loved knowing that i was being linked to the amazing woman that is my sister, on one of her most important days. i love the attention i have had most recently for being an aunt... who wouldn't love attention-by-association to the most precious little boy i know (proud auntie is not something i am ashamed of!!). but attention for me, just cause i am me, and happy, and engaged, and a 'bride'?? not so much. UN-comfortable. so, i have a mere 8 months to try to avoid the limelight (well, at least up until the wedding day, and then i am sure ian and i will be ready to soak it all up!). is this possible? maybe i will develop an alter-blog-ego, where i am a confident, driven, visionary of a bride... and all blogger-brides will swoon... wow, she's such a confident bride! i am blushing just thinking about it!!

i hope the new year is exciting, lovely, happy, successful, safe, and SECURE, for you and your families. 2009 will be a great year. there may be losses (inherent considering the state of our economy), but nothing that is lost can not be regained in some way/shape/form by nurturing our relationships with those most dear to our hearts.

happy new year!!